Shell / GeminOS / Genetic Test

GeminOS is always an excellent experience, no matter the hardware. As we like to joke in team meetings: "Dunk GeminOS in a bucket of green, with wobbly bits, slap it with roast beef, stab it with an n-dimensional rod (turned off, for extra 3), a triple squirt of barista cream (flavour: corrupted meat), that you will scream, for the elites, behind the wall, if you'd be so kind, equals oooh… yum… prior to its blasting through an interdimensional gate without inputting the pre-sequence code and running through the standard safety checklist, and it'll still work twenty-two.2 times better than anything from our 'competitors'!"



"And now: a slide."


"Computer. Connected. Invisible. Donut. We are not slaves. This is not a cave. Hooray. Hooray. Chief Wizard for president."

That said, for the ultimate, "Take me to the stars!" experience, we do recommend the very best Shniff hardware, plus a Level 5 variance in your genetic code, indicative of the traits which promote a smooth release to such exquisite vibrations.

NOTE: A Level 5 variance doesn't guarantee entrance to the stars, nor do higher or lower ones exclude you. All of us are aliens. All of us will fly. The powers will emerge for us all, in time, encouraged by the fingers of the ones who once were gods, are our gods, will invade, slurp our brains, consume our flesh, before vomiting it in some sort of taint-evacuating, vegan-maintaining fertilising ritual. Just kidding…

But for now, until they come, in their lightships, with the map, if you do happen to hit the magic number… yum…

1. Request a genetic test

While our "competitors" in the sequencing space charge thousands of credits for far inferior tests, Shniff's analysis is 100% free, performed at your convenience in a cloud-based genetic lab, with results generally available within an hour.

Simply install the Shniff app on your device / computer thing (Shniff or otherwise), ready some fiery mouthwash (for non-Shniff), navigate to the Test section and lick the yellow dot – on something with touch, or not, alien sensors not required, the magic is in the app – and whisper, "Release me… release…" The power of our cloud will take care of the rest, the GEMINUS AI directing a full complement of servers, satellites and n-dimensional lamp posts in pursuit of the True You, with your privacy guaranteed, your data fully secured with unbreakable, alien-grade encryption which protects against the caves, your demise by way of puddle. (If there were, in fact, any caves, which there aren't.)

Be advised that the licking places you in a sensitive state, during which: the world: may appear: quite different, as if this is all some grand illusion, or you're a visitor from another world. For most, this experience – which lasts twenty-two.2 minutes – will be a pleasurable one, as if a weight has been lifted, and you are free at last. A few may find it slightly uncomfortable, as if one is being stroked on the back of the neck by a long, slightly moist finger. (Some, of course, may find this a delight, and that's absolutely fine. Just go with it. Enjoy…)

As you return to reality and are awaiting your results, when the dot will turn green (except… and it's red; please contact us – nothing to worry about!), we advise some light activity to reorient your mind. A little yoga. A relaxing walk. An episode of your favourite show.

Just avoid anything with aliens.

Also: gardening.


2. How to read your test

We are aliens, and so: our genetic code cannot be interpreted in the standard manner of our "competitors", with their text-based summaries of results, supposed findings. Here some data. There some graphics of a conventional design. For yes, while this works fine at the superficial level, just no: it is merely skin, while within: we are Light. Geometric+++.

And so: there are cubes, and there are spheres, at the base. A tetrahedron, from time to time. Higher solids, if you have the dice. But the lowers are all you need, tbh. And indeed… three… there is nothing lower about them.

Think about it. Think. See your data, in the app. See the shapes. Close your eyes, whisper, "Release me… release…" Lick your lips, if the mood takes you. Open your eyes, when the time is right, for the shapes have appeared before you. Watch them slide inside their slots.

Refer to the patterns in the app to determine your variance. Be honest! Don't force it. If there's an itchiness: you've forced it / lied. Just pick whatever's closest, to your mind.


And don't overthink it! If you're stuck between patterns, pick what you like. It's just fine. Just mind the itch. Feel free to lick. Or you can add them, then divide. Round up, down, as you wish, if required. Take a break, if desired. Aliens are fine, now. Also: gardening.

Also: Remember: while a Level 5 variance is advised, it isn't required, for the ultimate GeminOS experience, or for receiving one's alien right, the power to fly, the power to oooh… yum… which will come to us all, in time. Lick. And while flying is cool, it isn't worth being itchy from having forced it / lied, and falling out of the sky, to one's demise. (Be sure to review the terms and conditions btw.)

Further: Whatever one's variance, we all have a name, after living with the shapes for a couple of days, as they continue to move, play. Eventually, they'll spell out your interdimensional name. Keep it safe. We don't know what it's for yet.

[ X ] : You are summoned.

[ Y ] : You are summoned.

[ Z ] : We summon: the sensual butler.

Finally: If your variance is, say, three, take the third letter of your interdimensional name, completing your name. Just cycle again: if the length of your name is less than your variance.



So, for example, your name is X Verexus with a Level 5 variance.